Dear Aristocrat- Free At Last

Dear Aristocrat

They asked me
how I did it—
held on for so long
to this fanciful idealization
of this relationship.

—held on
to us.

And looking back
I cannot say why,
other than
I loved you.

I hoped you could change
And love me too.

And maybe you did
(maybe you do).

Maybe you loved and always loved…
Mom…and Brother…and Sister…
and…me

Even as they left you…
Divorce…Miles apart…Hospital…
and me

I stayed.
Didn’t you…notice?

Or were you too busy
driving
everyone
away?

I stayed.
I held on to
a pretty little lie.

Because it was the truth once.

You ruined my spring break.

Wait that’s not fair.

You didn’t, actually.
I think you tried to.
But you underestimated
my friends.

You are aware
I have them, right?

Friends, of course.

I have the best sort of friends.
They saved me from you.
And best of all

They saved me from
me.

The me in the delusion
that kept hoping everything
would be alright.

You’re not healthy.
I think you know that.

But you’re not.
I love you but you’re a mess.

Love is not things.
Love is not giving people things
with strings
(or chains)
attached.

Love is so much more.
I know that now.
Because I have people to love.

I feel bad.
For you, at least.

You don’t know
what love is
do you?

I doubt you will find out.
You’re stubborn in a bad way.

Because you’re always right.
Supposedly.

But, after all,
I am entitled
and selfish
and a bitch

(Oh I know
how much
you wanted
to say that

Even though you didn’t

I could hear it
On the tip of your tongue)

I think I know everything.

I don’t know everything, Aristocrat
I used to ask you
but then, I’d know less
and less
and less
till

nothing.

So I ask others.
And oh what a world
I missed!

After all,
I’m only twenty.
I still have a universe to learn.

And people
willing to teach me.

That are not you.

We fought almost two weeks ago
And yes, I felt guilty.

Still do.

But you know what?
I don’t miss you yet.
And maybe I won’t.

Still love
that illusion
of you.

But I don’t
miss you.

I do wonder
what you told
Grandpa
and
The Not Wife/Girlfriend.

“The other shoe dropped.”
“Can you believe my daughter is
so selfish!”

Or something.

(To the woman you’re dating now
Or in the future:
Maybe you can change him
but I wouldn’t bother.
He’s got a record
0 – 4)

We fought a week ago
when you pulled out all the stops.

I’m not disowned
yet.

But I am on my own.
finally.

Did I cry?
Yes.
I don’t need to lie anymore.

It hurt to be abandoned.
But I saw it coming.

Perhaps that hurt more.

I saw it coming and couldn’t prevent it.

Maybe you thought
I’d crawl back this time.

On my hands and knees
begging for mercy.

Not this time.
Not ever again.

This time,
I have a way out.

And people
who will help
a Rat like me.

People who
aren't you.

And I am scared
but not alone.

Like you predicted.

I was never
alone in the first place.

All those times I sat
wondering if people noticed

They did.
They did, Aristocrat.

And so,
Dear John
We’re better off apart.
Goodbye
Good luck.

You need it more than I do.

Forever Free
(No longer yours),
The Slum Rat